I have been feeling quite uneasy today. Not able to concentrate on anything, no clicking picture, no reading books, no cooking, no watching TV, no social networking. Has this thought come up today randomly, out of no where? Or it has been eating up my mind for last few months and I have been ignoring?
I am split today between two worlds. One where I have lived my past- where my heart lies; and the other where I see my present and probably my future- where my brain is doing a lot of calculations.
I have lived most part my life in India, my childhood, my college life, wonderful wedding days, few years as a working woman. I have seen struggle, and I have seen joys. In spite of whatever people say, whatever faults and shortcomings it has, I accept all those and I love my India.
I feel the joy of not being alone, in the busy and noisy streets of India. I admire the taste of the street food even if it is not cooked in mineral water. I feel cozy in my small 1BHK apartment even if there is not enough space to stay. I love being drenched in Mumbai rains, even if it means no electricity at home and stagnant water putting all roads at halt. I feel secure with friends and relative, even if there is no privacy and I am being constantly judged. It makes me proud to get a paycheck at the start of month, even when I know it wont last till the end of the month. I feel safe at my workplace, even when I continuously crib about the work culture. I enjoy being on a 100 km long drive for a roadside cup of tea, even when I know affording fuel for my car will be difficult and taste of tea is not worth it. I leave everything aside and cheer for my Indian cricket team, even when I doubt that matches are fixed. I crib about all the problems in my life still enjoy every moment spent- I am a typical young striving Middle Class Indian.
Not a single day passes by without missing these moments. But still I am having thoughts about leaving all this and moving to a country where we can earn a lot, spend a lot, and live life king size. Where we can afford a decent size house and car, where we can provide much better education opportunities to our children, where we have better health facilities and hygiene, better quality of goods, better work life balance. Where we can save a good chunk at the end of month and plan lot of weekend trips. Where it seems so “Picture Perfect”!
I know it will take some more time for India to reach our expectations, it is growing at a fast pace and has been developing a lot. Studies show that India will become a super power in hundred years. But as my friend correctly pointed out one day- “I don’t have 100 years of lifetime, I have only 40-50 years to live how I want to”.
Should I be one of those who go back, try to help India grow and be a part of it? Or should I be a little selfish in desiring a good lifestyle for my family? But in striving for more, can I live where each day reminds me of what I am missing back there? Or in love for roots, can I live everyday where each day reminds me of what I could have achieved? Can I bridge this split between my heart and my brain? Will I be a parent proudly telling stories about how we struggled for basic amenities still were able to give a good life to them? Or will I be the one who moved out but still expects my Non Resident Indian kids to love and respect India and talk in Hindi?
I still have many more places to explore and every experience will leave much more questions unanswered. If you have had similar thoughts, suggestions or experiences please express yourself; may be together we will find some answer or new questions on our journey in “the World- Around me”.